G: GRIEF

wound

    Embrace your grief. For there your soul will grow

 Carl Jung

 Grief circulates. Overwhelmed, we lose weight, we dream of the partner who died, we want and long for a former life, we stop, or we cover it all. The glow is gone. Grief levels us, we cannot focus, we’re without goals, unsure where to put our time, desire is dried up. The ground seems littered with decimation and we are just plain drained. And the question comes up regarding how we parse grief, manage it, be in tune with it. Grief is so often associated with aging and looped into the losses that seem to mount ever higher as we age.

 Grief registers in loss of hair color, or shape of body or more globally just feeling invisible and no longer needed. It circulates in loss of positions, opportunities and challenges. Is part of grief about losing something we never had and could never have and perhaps were not supposed to have? Is not the path we have taken, the right one? Or, should we deny our own value by saying it might have been other or different?

 Because it has to do with an emotional reaction to the past, present and future, grief has huge impact. Grief can cause us to re-evaluate where we are spending our time, the quality of relationships and what we need for our soul to flourish. Yet many people stay just to stay, for example, in partnerships. By doing this they avoid an anticipated grief and loss of one type only to be swallowed by grief of another type. In the process, they may be circumventing their own growth. Fear wins out or despair or grief in the present may seem better than anticipated aloneness . But what happens when we are pushed to the edge? Is it possible that really experiencing grief leads us deeper into our self? Grief occurs and our soul is in the line of being crushed. The pain of it can be so intense that it strips us of all pretense and makes us descend into who we are.

 For instance, a friend is now faced with the shreds of a relationship she feared to leave. The grief she accepted finally became too much. It loaded her down. She felt the weight of its burden and, after so many years of being together, she was questioning it all. Now in their 60’s and 70’s do they belong together? Grief and emotional loss pervades her life. An abortion, moves, loss of degrees, jobs, covering for him, denying her needs. Could the painful rough edges ever smooth? Can their mutual grief, disappointments and losses repair? They could try but both would have to feel the grief of what should/may have been and what needs to change. It is unclear if they could, would or should do so.

 Grief brings up all that was undone, unsatisfied and unacknowledged, but it also reminds of all that was, the riches, the tapestry of our lives, how much was filled into the cloth. And, then of course we see the patches that remain and the pieces hanging in tatters. All this is natural. Grief reminds us about the earth of our being. It makes us weep into the heart of what it is to be, to have lost and to see the path not taken, or not even see it.

 Grief is also strangely fitting with gratitude. Without loss would we know what we have? How perverse yet true. And how difficult it is to remain in the space of gratitude. This keeps us in the present moment and feeling the pains and beauties of that moment. Maybe aging, and because time seems vanished, puts us into these moments so that we feel more completely and value differently. This can be part of the gold of these older years.

How do you grieve the passing of time?

29 Comments on G – Grief

  1. Hey, Susan, this reminds me of what Christ says about those who mourn being blessed, “for they shall be comforted.” It struck me just now that while this is true, He said it in order to increase the faith of those who are mourning, because faith literally calls God to action, inspires Him to heal and lift us up in miraculous ways. Only speak the word, said the centurion, and my servant shall be healed. Sometimes one faithful word is all it takes to raise the dead.

    • Evy, thank you for this. Susan Schwartz will also respond I imagine. I checked out your link thank you and you express grief so well … I posted your link to Pam Faro who commented above.

  3. “Grief is also strangely fitting with gratitude.” Yep.
    A few years ago I experienced deep grief (that led to debilitating depression…for too long…but am pretty much out the other side now) over the too-early death of my brother. I realized that the grief-pain I experience was directly related to the joy of the sibling love and life we had shared. I am beyond grateful for my brother Mark who was my companion from Day One. I grieved deeply because I loved deeply. Beyond, beyond, beyond grateful for Mark.
    Thank you.

    • Pam, how well you put that – the relation between grief-pain and the joy of your sibling love. That is very tender indeed in all senses of the word. The grief over the death of your brother who I suspect was your twin must have been too too awful and terrible. I am so sorry for this sadness.
      Thank you for your comment on Susan’s post.

  4. A lovely post, thank you. I agree, Samantha, and it is good remember and it is comforting that we are doing what we are meant to be doing at this moment, this is our path

  5. Is part of grief about losing something we never had and could never have and perhaps were not supposed to have? Is not the path we have taken, the right one?

    This is a very good question, and one that I ask myself – losing something I never had and am I not on the right path? My therapist/counselor friend says that what we are doing at this moment is what we are meant to be doing. I find that comforting, and I believe it’s true.

    Yes, our aging gives our losses the opportunity to mount, as they will. The mounting passing days and years are losses, if you view it that way; or you can look at it as building the house that is your life – the foundation, the walls, the rooms, and finally, seeing what materials you can use for the roof. It’s not what happens, but what you do with it that’s important. (And let’s not forget the chimney so we can vent.)

    We need to grieve; it is natural. Giving ourselves the time to do so, I am learning, is a kindness and healing we give to ourselves; and that helps us move through the grief and move forward.

    Susan in Arizona, I like your statement to Gwynn about the paradoxes of loss and grief.

    • Thank you for commenting Samantha. Yes the question posed by Susan (Schwartz) is very profound and leads beautifully to your response, including the chimney as a metaphor for venting.
      Thank you so much for the building metaphor of our own houses .. It is apt indeed.

  6. Boy, did you ever hit a “nerve” with this post. For me, your post and Patricia Garcia’s post on “complacency” are connected. I avoid one issue only to be impacted by the other. To deal with grief is a means of growing and moving on. However, sometimes it is difficult for me to face the unknown. For me grief is in whether I should leave a situation or not… but making the decision would stir-up a lot of problems.

    Thank you for your thought-provoking post.

    • Dear Gwynn;
      The unknown holds the gold but also the heavy and challenging emotions. Change is loss and grief is growing–the paradoxes…
      Thank you,
      Susan in Arizona

  7. Grief…passage of time…interacting with two women who recently lost their partners… and two others who have been through the process. And that’s what it is.. a process.

    Grief with my own personal passage of time? No, I am in denial perhaps, but the richness of each day seems adequate to make it fine. Thanks!

  8. I have not grieved the passage of time, only the loss of family. Yes, I agree, it drains us, leaves us a different person, and from that I suppose, we grow somewhat. Thank you for the thoughtful post.

  10. Very well thought out post and something we all wish to ignore but should acknowledge and deal with. I like the hope in your post and the truth that by acknowledging your emotions you can grow and change.

    I found you from your comments on Fran Clark’s site.

    I am also blogging from A to Z.
    http://katloveswriting.blogspot.com/

  11. Hi,
    Thank you for this beautiful post on grief. Living in Europe as an ExPat I have had to come to terms with grief in my family and among my friends, because i am so far away from them. So thank you once again for sharing some of the difficulties.

    Shalom,
    Patricia

    • Dear Patricia;
      Grief comes from many circumstances and again makes us feel both distance and closeness and loss and value…
      Thank you,
      Susan in Arizona

  12. A beautiful post, Susan, thank you and great wisdom in your words. Grief, whether through death or other loss, puts the rest into perspective. It highlights our own mortality and the passage of time. It’s an important part of aging since many of those with whom we have travelled in life are now departing.

    • Dear Sharon;
      Grief brings up so many aspects of life and what a responsibility we have to be open to all its pains and glories.
      Thank you,
      Susan in Arizona

    • Dear Robert;
      You are so right that grief brings up what look like disparate feelings. It is so essential to feel grief yet we too often deny…
      Thank you,
      Susan in Arizona

  14. A beautiful post about such a sad experience. I lost my father last year and it is so difficult to put into words how I feel. It has certainly made me re-evaluate my life and my relationships. Losing a parent reminds you of how short your life is and the inevitable march of time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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