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D – DEATH

‘I touch you knowing we weren’t born tomorrow, 

And somehow, each of us will help the other live, and somewhere, each of us must help the other die.’

* Adrienne Rich

 Death, like money, sex, bad breath is not a particularly comfortable topic of conversation. It’s depressing in the conventional sense of the word. There is something ominous about it and its finality. It has a sense of taboo and is consequently repressed. We deny death.

 But perhaps it is no bad thing to allow some ‘depress’ and depth as we briefly delve into this reality and bring it out of its darkness.

  There are depths in the soul that come to the fore as one is aging or dying, un-influenced by the ego. There are forgotten archetypal myths, or images, that are re-assuring to us.

 They’re at least a 1000 questions about death, maybe 10,000. Maybe 7.2 billion – as many questions as there are individuals on this planet as we journey, destination unknown –

 Are we ever prepared for death? We need to go ‘down’ while living in order to prepare. Thinking of death brings a focus to one’s life.

 What of the nights and dreamtime? Dreams prepare the aging individual for death as we pay attention to them. They help our personal myth and image to emerge; they enlarge our quality of life.

 This ‘witness to death’ makes us go down deeper and wonder about own death whenever and however it may be.

 I sometimes fantasise and wonder about my ‘reaction’ and ‘being’ were I to be given a grave diagnosis. Would I go the traditional medical route? Would I seek alternative ways of healing? Would I run away and hide and not tell anyone? Would I rant and rave at that dreadful thief, the Grim Reaper? Would I reach out and be ‘secure’ in the person or persons to whom I turn? Would I spend time dusting the cobwebs in my mind, heart and soul as I live out my last days?

 How can I know how I will be until it happens? But pondering death makes me look at my life as it is now, and yet becoming –

 Do you ever wonder about death?

*Adrienne Rich; (1929-2012) Twenty One Love Poems

31 Comments on D – Death

  1. Thank you for this thoughtful article. I also love reading comments which offer much to the subject. Yesterday 2 men came to the house to see to the Mr Suit Hire van.. while they were working, I chatted to them. One guy told me his son of 23 had died 8 months ago. It was all very sudden – one day he was fine, next day in hospital. To do with his kidneys. I was amazed at his matter of factness, until he said to me “That’s Life”

  2. I find myself contemplating life more than death… my purpose rather than the final inevitable outcome. When I was a child my godfather once shared with me his philosophy of dying – it’s better for a body to wear out than rust out… I stopped wanting things to last forever after that.

  3. yes, I do, but I try not to, as it can be scary (my mind can be very scary at times), because somewhere along the line I thought, what if death means still being aware, but floating forever in silent darkness with nothing ever to feel, or see, or hear again, and for some reason, it frightened me. I’m pagan and as such i do believe that we come back, in other forms. So why does that image scare me…?

    • That is a scary image you present Bridgina. Somehow it is a contradiction – ‘awareness of nothingness’ but life is full of contradictions, why should death also be full of contradiction. Recognition of the void or the abyss is healthy ..

  4. I lost my grandmother when I was 15. That was my first experience with losing some one so close. It took me months to finally accept her loss. Over the years I have lost all four of my grandparents. Nothing was as shocking and difficult as the first time at age 15 !

    • The first time is always a shock of its own kind Shahira, thank you for saying. Does it make any other death easier? I don’t think so?

  5. Death is inevitable, like aging, and it only makes us unhappy when we can’t accept it. All of us fear the unknown to some extent but there is comfort in remembering the relatives and friends who have already gone before. Religious belief may also be a comfort when thinking of death, or belief in an afterlife, an eternity of the Spirit.

    • Thank you Sharon. Yes we have our ways of ‘coping’ and comfort when we lose a loved one, which does not diminish the heart ache of it. Or the immediacy of it.

  6. What a lovely post on a difficult subject. I lost my older sister in Afghanistan (she was a soldier in the Canadian army) and have thought a lot about it since. My grandfather told my mother, after my sister died, that he was no longer afraid because she had gone first … I think in many ways that’s how I feel. She was always the one who went first.

    • That is so sad Victoria and I am so sorry for your loss and this very immediate experience of yours and your family.
      Thank you for your comment.

  7. I totally agree Susan. Acknowledging death reminds us of our life’s purpose. People tend to fear death because they stop their focus at it and not think beyond. When someone else dies, it’s chance to re-evaluate our own lives.

  8. “Most of us choose the familiar,” I meant to say above. I really am having trouble seeing this until I post it. I will type it in Word and copy and paste it from now on.

    • I am sorry Samantha about the difficulty of the type. Now I’m in San Francisco and will ask the very patient Jenny my sister in law to assist me with ‘fixing’ the type.

      • and also to say on my side about your post – how lovely to have those experiences and remembrances indirect they may be. Death needs preparation – in this life.
        Thank you.

        • Re the typeface, Susan, it could be my aging eyes — or my aging computer or browser. But, thanks.

          Yes, death needs preparation. I reflect on that moment of my parents’ passing and how and if they prepared. You live your whole life, engage in work and interests, are vital, and then you’re gone from your body. A curious phenomenon. I witnessed the death of a tree this morning, an ancient tree, base of the trunk five feet in diameter. That is sad, too. I will miss its shade and the purity of the air it gave us.

          • One moment here, another moment gone .. too amazing, sad in its way re the tree in all its magnificence .. but back to the soil hopefully.
            I also wonder about my parents and their preparation –
            Thank you Samantha

  9. In his 80s, my father turned to me and said, “I wonder what it’s like when we die.” “Let me know,” I said. He died at 90. The family and I were by his side encircling him in his bed in the emergency room of the hospital as he passed. Since then, 10 years ago, he hasn’t come and told me directly; but maybe he has indirectly. I stood by my mother’s side and held her hand as she passed, two years ago, April 11. Maybe these two events were Daddy’s way of showing me, a little. Days after my mother died, my Buddhist rinpoche friend sat with me and told me that at first when you die you go into what is like a dream: You may not know where you are and you may be afraid, confused. You don’t know where to go. But that most of us the familiar. This is why I am mindful of my present thoughts, choices and activities. If there is a next life, and I have experienced remembrances that there is, then I want to be prepared.

    This comment is long, almost like a blog post itself; I think I shall develop it and make it one. Thank you, Susans and Adrienne Rich. All you have said above is true in my experience.

    • Dear Samantha;
      It does help to journal ones thoughts, as you seem to know. maybe especially the more intricate ones so they get teased out and then…not sure it is for preparation or for experiencing.
      Regards,
      Susan in Arizona

      • I have been journaling for many years, Susan, and hope to begin teaching it soon. For preparation or experiencing? Both. They inform each other.

  10. Everyone I considered family is gone (exception is my husband), along with my own family. Death is not something I fear perhaps because I am not imminently faced with it at this moment. I too share the fantasy you do and really do wonder at my in the moment reaction as opposed to my cool, detached one. I have come across people who changed their DNR at the last minute. This prompts me to think it is possible for myself to have a change of heart too.

    • Dear Lesley;
      We never know what will change for us. Maybe that is what life and death bring to our awareness–the mystery of it all…
      Regards,
      Susan in Arizona

  11. Death….I lost my brother in his fifties in an auto accident, another friend lost his sister through cancer. Hers was a long and drawn out experience, with reprieves and regression, plenty of time to prepare. My brother’s was sudden, unexpected. My friend and I have discussed which is better, both for the person and survivors. Our conclusion: they both such.

    Beth Lapin
    http://bethlapinsatozblog.wordpress.com/

    • Beth, this is beyond sad, and I am sorry for your loss. No matter whether sudden or drawn out it is so sad … what is beyond? is that it? The living have the memories …
      Thank you for commenting.

  12. Hi,
    Having accompanied my mother on her journey toward death, I can truly say you are never prepared for it, even though you know it will happen. I knew what was about to happen, but the emotions, especially the feelings of separation, come after your loved one has walked through death door. And that is when you learn acceptance and how to deal with it.

    Shalom,
    Patricia

    • Dear Patgarcia;
      Yes, we all have different emotions around death–our own and what it is to accompany another–only so far and no farther. The profoundness of it all…
      Regards,
      Susan in Arizona

  13. I do wonder about death. How will I meet my end. I saw my parents sad and hard deaths. Then I saw my in-laws commit suicide to prevent dying as my parents died. I have heard some beautiful tales about death describing it as a “freeing or liberating” sense. I suspect death itself is not scary but the way our body chooses to wilt. Will it be slow and agonizing or quick and sudden? Are we so afraid of dying that we will force ourselves to continue choosing … quantity over quality of life?

    I wonder about death, but I think I want to live to continue to be around my loved ones to watch as they grow and change to always be a pillar in their lives. Sometimes accepting that all must come to an end… letting go is maybe what I fear the most.

    However, it is a subject that we can not deny any longer, but look it in the face and accept it.

  14. When death comes will it be like meeting an old friend?

    When death comes will it be a relief?

    When death comes will it come to send?

    When death comes: a new life…

    Whenever death comes,

    R.

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